Why are women such bitches? Why is it that I'm one of the few women that think this?

So I've got this friend, right? Or I did, anyway, I don't really know where we stand right now. And I think I feel second to all the men she not only knows, but will ever know. No matter how little she thinks of them. She's the type to kind of... use men for attention and approval. Generally this kind of behaviour pisses me off, but I forgave her for it anyway, for some reason. I mean, I'm not stupid, we all want approval and love and what-not, but not all of us lie and manipulate people to get it. Anyway, this isn't the point.

It's not that she's a slut, because I have no problem with sluts. I like sluts, they're interesting company sometimes and can be fun to watch in a bar setting. Woman, go be a slut, just make sure you call me about it later.

I've never really had female friends, at least not for long, and I've always thought it was because of them, and they suck, and I write them off. I'm starting to wonder if it's my own damage here, and not their's.

Like, okay. Gene has guy friends. And they go and hang out and be guys. They have guy time, or whatever. I don't really know what the hell they do other than get drunk and silly and flirt with bar sluts. Maybe they suck each other off, I don't know. But I know that he goes out with his buddies, and has a great time. He comes back happy and feeling like he enjoyed himself. This is nice. Where can I get some of this?

See, I generally don't like women. I don't like manipulation, or game playing, or any of the other weird shit that women feel they need to do. I've got one friend that's a slut, but she doesn't delude herself or lie to people. At least not that I can tell. She's like, "I want to get laid." And she gets laid. Sometimes she tells me about it. (Except this one guy, I thought he was gross and asked she not share too many details.) But that's cool. She's honest. If she wants just sex, she tells them. If she feels she wants something more, she tells them. Unless she's in a relationship she doesn't play games, I can respect that. She's bad at relationships though, she turns into a beasty. But anyway, the point is is that she's up front with what she wants, and there's none of this weird, stupid manipulation crap. That, I think, deserves respect.

Now this other girl, she manipulates people all the time. But somehow I managed to forgive that. I don't know how, but I did. I think I was trying to be more accepting or something. It may also be that I thought, "Well, she doesn't manipulate me, so I can deal with it." Usually manipulative women will do it to -everyone- not just men. I hate being manipulated, it makes me ill. I just don't understand why people do it. It's like lying all the time, and I just don't get it. It's confusing, and makes my body hurt.

So anyway, she was supposed to come hang out. She lives up north, and it would be a long drive down here. I understand this. I'd understand if she couldn't afford it, I'm not unreasonable here. I haven't been nagging her to come or anything. But another of our friends was coming, and he suggested we see if she wanted to. At first she was reluctant because of the cost of gas, but then she went for it. Then she changed her mind. She said she felt unwanted, because the guy didn't have room in his hotel room. I offered my place, but that didn't seem to matter. It's a bit offensive, really. And she's acting like I'm being defensive and unreasonable. Maybe I am, I can't really tell, honestly.

It's not this isolated incident that has me upset. It's that she has always and will always only give me the tiniest portion of herself, and will always give a HUGE amount of herself to whoever the current guy is. If she found a meaningful relationship, then fuck, okay, I'd get it, of course you give more of yourself to the person you love than one of your friends. But she doesn't even want this, or at least that's what she says and the impression I get. So it bothers me. This one slight offense is bothering me a great deal because of the way things have always been.

I wonder if the reason I don't bond with women is because I'm not the same as them. I don't manipulate people, I try my best to be honest, I can't really do the "girl's night out" kind of thing. I mean, dude, I love to sit around eating cookie dough and pizza, watching movies and doing generally silly things; but this kind of thing doesn't happen often. I guess because, like a man, I don't feel the need to sit and bitch about my partner for hours on end to my friends in hopes of solving my relationship problems through people I'M NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH. Ahem, excuse me.

Guys don't do that. They don't go off and talk to their buddies about their relationship problems, right? I mean sure, if their just seeing somebody they may seek advice, or may brag about the head she gives, or whatever. But to fix problems in a committed relationship, they don't gab away to their buddies for hours at a time, do they? Maybe I'm ignorantly generalizing here. I don't know.

I just want to know why I can't keep female friends. Why, at every point in my life if someone were to ask me who my best friend was, it would have always been a man. A straight man. A gay man would be different. What the fuck is my damage? I want girlfriends.

Maybe it's because I'm bisexual. Maybe it's because I'm a bad bisexual. I can't pick up on women, and have had very few experiences with them. I want more, but... quite frankly, they scare the piss out of me. The idea of trying to talk to a girl is more anxiety inducing than any final exam in college. Men are easy. You express interest through conversation just saying, "I like you." Or, "I want to have sex with you." Or, you know, whatever you're feeling. It's always worked for me. I just tell them what I want, or I'm feeling and go from there. It usually works out well. I think so anyway, I've been in a relationship a long time. It's generally an open one, thought not as much as before, but... you know, anyone else that's come in was just for sex or play, so it's an entirely different kind of thing. But with women you have to work this seductive dance, and play the game, and I just don't know how.

This girl, the one that won't come visit, was cool because when we talked we talked about things that interested me, and I really enjoyed her. I have no interest in sitting around with another girl doing each other's nails and talking about hair and clothes and boys and shit. This girl would discuss books, and personal philosophies, and personal neuroses, and INTERESTING SHIT. I can do this. I can, however, not sit and participate in hours of meaingless dribble. I know what you're thinking, "You mean the stupid survey queen doesn't like meaningless, trite crap?" No really, I don't. I think with those things I'm trying to let people know me better through, and making a feeble attempt to start conversations with people. I don't do chit-chat very well.

For instance, when I'm online chatting with people I can talk for hours. In person stuff can seem so superficial sometimes, but when it's just text, I feel freer to say things. Not that I haven't had many late-night conversations that are all random shit, but those are different, and fun, and have their time and place. But like, let's say I go out to a bar, I CAN NOT just make idle chit-chat with someone until I've had a few drinks. I just can't. It's my damage, I know, but I've tried to change and it's hard.

So this girl and I have talked for hours and hours, many times, so I thought there was a -real- bond there. But I don't think there is. I don't worship her, and I think that's the problem. I like her, and am quite upset about the past few occasions when I've realised I'm not anything special really, and it hurts, but I can't worship her like a man does. Sure, I'd like to have sex with her, but that's not my goal.

I know Shirene will read this, and will most likely say something nice and positive. But I don't even know if I want anyone to read it. That's not my goal anyway. I just find it easier to express myself without getting all worked up and anxious if I'm typing. Then I can read over it and think about it.

I'm just kind of tired of feeling like a freak that can't be really close friends with women. I can't bond with any real solidity. I have casual female friends, and often times they comment on how I can't just do the girl thing. Or whatever. I feel like such a reject that I want to cry, and I have. Probably will again, because I'm a fucking wuss.

A girl once said to me, " I don't trust a women that doesn't trust women." I think she may have a good philosophy there. She probably shouldn't trust me. I won't go behind their back and cause trouble, but I also won't sit and encourage manipulative behaviour and be all like, "You go girl." It's more like, "You. Go away."

I guess on a positive note I can say that I've got my books, and I've got my messed up little family, and I'm set. But it's not enough. I'm still lonely for a normal, outside female friendship. My friend Brian would probably get pissed at me for it. I told him last night I was depressed, and he said, "Get over it." That was kind of painful, especially since I sometimes think he's throwing himself too big of a pity party, but would never consider saying that to him. It's cruel to try and invalidate someone's pain. Though I do that all the time to little Princess-y bitches that are feeling sorry for themselves. So, I guess I'm a hypocrite. Oh well.

I'm damaged. And I think I'm going to be increasingly so, since freindsips with women are supposed to be healthy and positive and necessary, and I just can't seem to manage them.

Someone just told me to stop brooding, and I guess he has a point. I do that a lot. I'm going to go wander off and try... to... not... brood. We'll see how that goes.

 Sometimes I find myself in a near worshipful state. There are moments when I find myself thinking of someone, or some situation and the best way I can describe the feeling is like being close to god. I do not capitalize the word god, because, I don't really believe in one; but the generic phrase suffices for what I need it for.

My point here is that there will be moments when I am overwhelmed with worship, or love, or what-have-you. If it's a situation, I want to drown myself in it and remain in that period of time forever. If it's a person, I know it'd be impossible to squeeze them as tightly as I'd like. Am I the only one that feels that way? I want to hug someone so tightly because of love that it's like I'm trying to pull them into me, my being. I'm such a fucking hippy it's sick. But there's a flip side, of course, which is my anti-social tendencies. I don't like these moments of loathing, they seem so unnatural and contradictory.

Who the fuck reads this crap? Are you reading about my desire to go out and dance naked in the rain? I hope not. How ridiculous, eh? Naked dancing like some pagan ritual. I think I just desire the freedom of spirit I once had. I'm getting so... anxious, and uptight. It's disgusting, really, when I consider it. At the bar last night some friends of mine were innocently trying to get me to loosen up and dance, and I couldn't do it. I put up a real fight, actually. I had three people trying to literally drag me out and I planted my little feet firmly on the sticky tiled floor, pudgy digits desperately grasping the walls; violently defending my right to be a stick in the mud. It's obvious where I could have better spent that energy.

Though the highlight of the evening was a sweet cuddlefest at a friend's house. So I suppose I made up for the anti-dance fight.

One of these days I'll either get arrested for indecent exposure or will be smeared across some highway because I could no longer resist that sudden urge of driving off a freeway overpass into traffic. It's not suicidal, it's exciting.

Though I think I'd need everyone with me, either way.